Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. How long has she been friends with them? Shes married to a bi man, and her idiot friends shouldnt have the power to make her feel bad about it. The moment your sexuality became some kind of giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line. 3) Gossiping about your private life and using it as entertainment for her friends is a huge betrayal. Unless they're all like that and she's just throwing a couple out for a meat shield, like she did with you. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. I was so suprised how she talked about me to her friends and family..and when I confronted her I had the evidence. Just shows she has no loyalty. Thirdly, those friends have got to GO. This is NOT on her timeline anymore. I can understand your hurt, and breach of trust, but people act stupid sometimes. Your actions are your actions and the consequences are the consequences. Give your best anyway. Like who knows what other shitty conversations she participated in, especially since this isn't the first time they've expressed this kind of thinking. There's a wide gulf between those that think that's okay and the rest of us. I'm a bisexual woman, and if my husband told his friends that he thinks of other women when we do more than vanilla sex, I'd tell him to go find less. At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? You can be understanding of her error, but she has to build up trust back with you. At the end of the day, passion doesnt make a partner, love care (a bit of passion/good sex) and commitment do. If you feel this can be fixed, try couples counseling, but honestly I only see this ending one way. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. 2. How? Your wife violated your trust multiple times. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? Their partners undoubtedly know about you. NOBODY SHOULD TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT ANYONE. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you dont need your team mate trash talking you too. Very few people know so I was instantly fucking pissed because if they knew, its cause my wife told them. And highlight that she prioritized her friendships over your feelings. She's probably just as judgemental as them because people surround themselves with people like themselves. Do you love her more than anything? Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). She violated a boundary. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. Maybe your wife didnt feel comfortable telling her friends that she enjoyed herself because she didnt want to be judged. I got halfway through before searching "fake" in the comments. Which means wherever you gothere will be a little voice in the back of your mind wondering if people are judging you or talking shit about you behind your back, I'm not sure how you move forward in this situation but I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to, I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to. You're in the feels phase of this situation, not in the action phase yet. This was not stupid. I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. Good luck and I do feel for you. There's a lot that isn't adding up about her explanation to you. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. Also sound out the wives who weren't judgemental and ask their opinions. She chose to prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and honestly just participated in casual homophobia at the expense of her husband. Throwaway cause I know one of her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my main account. I also pointed out that every single one of her relationships ended up being abusive so she had no right to tell me to leave my boyfriend when he'd never lay a finger on me. Sorry you had to deal with this man, your wife sucks. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. The two judgmental homophobic friends have got to go. And I've faced this with my family-- I shut that crap down with a quickness. This is what her and her friends did to you. This has obviously been a topic of conversation for a couple years and she never bothered to tell him about outing him, instead laughing about their sex life and needing to fantasize about other men while leaving him in the dark. That power over you is now dissipated - especially if you do your best to be yourself and act normal. How disgusting can she be? Couples counselling may help as well. We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. How you treat your relationship with your wife is up to you, but I would say to her that her friends are homophobic and need to never come by the house again. My only advice is to give it time. The best part was, after a couple of months, everything was solved, tadalafile was no longer necessary, I find out she had a hookup during that period. Once you know how you need to move forward, she can either own her awful behavior and support you or she can kick rocks. IN YOUR HOME. At the beginning of the marriage endometriosis and disparei is, we spent almost an year without sex, I was always by her side, left the work early, never even thought about hookups or relief with other women. Good luck and I do feel for you. Though she made some comments around it to her female friends, I would not take those seriously (imagining other men etc). Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. Which is obviously shit because she's willing to throw you to the wolves, but not admit her fun time with you. she also choose to make fun of you to her friends instead of standing up for you. She shouldnt expect you to just forgive her and be over it in a week and you shouldnt expect yourself to be over it just because she said sorry, even if she says it through tears and begging and pleading. Next time she will really consider how the way she's talking to her friends could make you feel. That's plain shitty. Whenever theyre in bed together, the thought of her thinking of other man will show up in his head. Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. But something you might ask her about. They are what they are and they are very real. I used to drink to black out, and not one time did I let slip the secrets I held for my friends and family. Dude, yeah. Created by your wife. First up outing someone is never good an apology can be made for that but not the making you less than convo you heard. It's human nature. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. Although, bi men have it way worse. The other men were cowering in my path - perhaps it was the still throbbing splitting seams. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). I am so sorry. I learned that it is usually a sign of people not sharing everything, not saying that is your situation, but she violated your trust and didnt even give you the courtesy of giving you the heads up. German Husband let Young Boy Fuck his Wife in Threesome 14:30. Watch your back op!! It seems she reserves honesty for her friends. I'd be more open about your sexuality; if you've nothing to hide then the nasty wives have nothing to attack. You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear. Or even a long drive. No matter how many close and loving moments you have with your wife from this point forward, in the back of your mind youre gonna remember how easily someone -who you thought you were on the same team with- can piss all over that idea in exchange for making a few girls go no way?! She betrayed your trust, and she makes fun of your sexuality to her friends? People aren't accepting where I live either. She outed you to your group of friends without asking you about it. She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. Good luck. You took that better than I would have. My bf and I have been together not long 3 years but hes 33, I 27, and whenever there is even a shred of something that bugs either one of us we tell each other. Made her feel embarrassed and she knows that she fucked up. Many of your friends and family pick up on this anyway. There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. She needs to do something to show how sorry she is. It's tough because that level of betrayal is seriously enraging, but, do you throw away a good thing? Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. My wife and I always have a number one rule at the foundation of our relationship: never say a bad word about each other to anyone else. Going forward, she needs to seriously consider what she says to her "friends" if she cannot say them infront of you openly. I hope you can work it out. Things that concern only you two she turn into an open truth and open truths she kept from you. You are NOT overreacting. She is the person who is supposed to have your back the most, and not only did she not, she threw you to the wolves and also took some bites herself. If my wife was badmouthing me behind my back, I'd be beyond pissed. Funny thing she thought it would cheer me up to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up. If my bf were you, I'd imagine he would do the same exact thing. Ban the girls from the house. You are not overreacting. People are too quick to run away from a marriage and give up when issues come up. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. Youd be second guessing everything they tell you from here in. Well 1. She stopped criticizing after that. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. Who cares. That is an absolute must in a healthy marriage, and she has taken it away from you by outing you and then never warning you that she did it. Let her know that if she wants to patch this up, its on her. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake. As long as they're not being super stupid, 100% in public and then you tell them off in private. Your wife acted poorly. I don't think you will recover from this. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. I (45M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 20 years. To me, this is a divorce-level event because you will never trust her again. Most importantly, YOU DID NOT GIVE CONSENT to the things she is talking about!! Had a similar situation with my best friend. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, buy filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. i would like to add a partner should never ever make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality. Another violation of your trust. If you can't trust someone with your sexuality - you aren't going to trust them with anything else that matters to you, there will always be something keeping you from sharing your full self with them. I would be trembling with furious anger and wouldn't be able to face her with the same amount of trust for a long, long while after this incident. Posing with her Dutch-born man, the 29-year-old . Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him. Stay strong man I can only hope you can move on from this with your confidence restored. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Sometimes they aren't strong enough to defend it. I have one person I talk to sometimes about my gf. Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. If shes serious about your marriage shell reassess her friends group too. I mean, youre not wrong petty king/queen. You dont need to have the talk tomorrow. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. Exactly! He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. Winston Churchill Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. When people start talking about things that are intimate, sometimes they succumb to the pressure (not necessarily peer pressure in the "tell us, tell us sense, but more the pressure to feel bonded, to feel close to friends) to share things they shouldn't. Thats her game, and I suggest therapy and also congratulate you, my dude, on taking it so calmly. You need to accept yourself for who you are. Great comment. They were together for 3 years. ( like nothing wrong with it but the fact ur so scretive about it speaks volumes, SHAME is an individual thing. I think you handled that really well. HER?! Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. That's the truth. Ask her about it, give her the space to openly address it and dually try and understand why she feels that way as well as highlighting why you two are together. To at least one person. Its one thing for the wife and her friends to be talking about you, but they were talking about you and laughing. They had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves. It's mainly drunk talk and a bit of peer pressure getting to your wife and she clearly regrets it We all make mistakes sometimes but this is how you grow as a couple! Do good anyway. Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. But please know this, todays generation can say theyre in the exact same boat as you and face no issues from same aged folks. But she enjoys to embarrass you to her friends behind your back about it. She is trying to write this shit off as a mistake. Not the rest of the world with their petty judgements. Also, she doesn't like your sex life. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? Dont slide back to her. You need to tell her how this has made you feel and how hurt you are by it. I told her to get a therapist to talk to about it but DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY DICK essentially. Its one of the biggest consequences to a pushover personality and if she wants to get back on OPs good side/have a better go with a different relationship, shes gotta level up on her backbone first. They don't have her best interest at heart and they will just as quickly sow seeds of doubt to her evidently impressionable mind. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. I dont get real emotional or worked up over things.but I felt rage for the first time in a long time. ! for a few minutes. Marriage counseling needed. The Geni has escaped from the bottle, as there's no chance of putting it back in, you need to deal with the humiliation that you feel in how it was told. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. She doesnt respect you, man. Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? He claims it was just he was not mature and never meant any of the terrible things he did. Possibly she has to talk to the friends and say that she loves her man, and she loves his kinks, and that she was only saying that stuff to gossip. Things ended when Tom took a job across the country and my wife chose not to follow him. Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. If she isn't willing to do both of those things, then she is proving she doesn't value you enough, or is sorry enough for the damage she's caused, to be worth staying with. For years. These ones sound terrible. you sound like a fuckin pussy, enjoy your manliness, as you your wife fucks u in the ass LOL. If my wife did this, I doubt I'd ever care to be into intimate with her again. I told this to my then partner with all the trust in the world. Maybe. Right? Never stay with someone because of the kids and don't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. Fuck how you want to fuck. This issue has been going on and at each turn, she chose not to be honest with you. Wife and I have been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. I haven't gotten through this personally, however, I would suggest marriage counseling if you stay with her. Tell her that not another drop of alcohol is going to pass her lips from now on, it obviously addles her common sense. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. I'm glad she apologized. Here are some examples: I know you and I have different views on sexuality, but I love my husband and will not stand to hear him be talked about in this manner., My husband is not gay, please stop insinuating he is. subject change, Yeah, I dont think thats funny. (Or just not laughing and keeping a stone cold face until the others get uncomfortable), Thats actually not your business, lets talk about something else., I am uncomfortable talking about this, lets talk about something else., Your wife gave into the toxicity of her friends and that doesnt make her a better person for it even if she really doesnt think that way. She needs to know that what she did was hurtful and unacceptable, and you deserve an apology not only from her, but from her fucking idiot friends too. Don't rush the feels phase. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. So much this. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. Fuck this situation. Let that sink in. What she did was just bottom of the barrel type of shit. Im extremely sorry this happened to you OP. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. I've been married for 21+ years. Nowadays? She did not need to provide more information. If you are honest, people may cheat you. I had no privacy. Second, I am sorry you heard them given that I dont know exactly what it would take to rebuild trust from where you are currently. Girls can be katty and have fun taking diggs at each other (guys too but its a stereotypical thing with girls). If yes then walk and bear the burdens of the breakup, but if you think you together are worth saving, then do something to sort out the issues and move beyond it. People do stupid shit. Also, the fact that she let her friends talk shit about him while she and OP are supposed to be in a happy marriage Damn, that says a lot. It's terrible. It may actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones. Tell her to flip the genders and make it you and the "boys" doing "locker room talk" about her and all the things she likes in the bedroom. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk, and if she isn't she shouldn't be drinking. Go out and do things during those days, don't wallow. Not the act itself. Also arrange some couple counseling and talk it all through. I was in a conversation with two other girls about anal sex. IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. Juatt know that that is okay and it can take as long as it takes. This has big sad middle America vibes or something. The good you do today maybe forgotten tomorrow. If it was truly an accident, she shouldn't keep talking about it, she should always just say "I fucked up in telling you that. I heard their conversation. She needs to understand that at least. Same. Theres people that will truly respect you and love you the right way. Youre not overreacting. Weirdly enough, weve never gotten any negative feedback from our closest friends. Ha fucking ha. If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. Dude, she needs to recognize that her violation of your trust is incredibly bad. Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff. And her dissing your sexual needs to her friends and I truly understand that it was very hurtful and disrespectful to you and your marriage. Then the friend asked my wife if she had ever been tempted to cheat on me with (insert ex-boyfriend's name), to which my wife replied saying hell no, that she would never risk our marraige like that. Dont just accept her apology and move on. Agreed! She cares more about her friends perception of her than she actually cares about showing how much she cares about you. I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. I think you should try to work this out. IDK what it's like to be bi and married but I am sure it present some special problems/concerns with you and your status in your social circle. Well he's not open about being bi so I'm pretty sure he does care about it. But what usually happens when one partner doesnt respect the other is that it festers. First let me say your SO is the fucking worst in my humble opinion. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Seriously I have a whole lot of respect for you for how you reacted. And the fact that you're now married and settled down with a woman means you probably have a preference for women overman anyways it's 2021 dude closet doesn't have a lot of people left in it and, needing it to still feel manly is the ultimate problem here. I can also understand how this could be a blow to your confidence. For a moment I felt ashamed. Not only that, but she didn't admit to him that she had done it when she sobered up. As long as you are honest with yourself then it will all work out. Dont just move on forget, learn from it. Don't let her victimize herself or try and guilt trip you. Sorry you're going through this. If she did "accidentally" let it slip that you're bi, why did she continue talking with them about your sexuality in any context? Fucking judgemental pieces of shit. My identity was something I held tight to my chest for years. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. She should have known to do that herself beforehand. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . Taking a sensitive topic like sexuality and using yours in a way to demean you just so she can get a chuckle from her friends is unacceptable. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. Oh my god I fucking lost it at your comment. My take: there may be some truth in her fabrications to her friends, which makes her even worse. . How long have you been the butt of their homophobic jokes? Regardless, hilarious. Make sure she knows how traumatic that was for you. Both were pretty against it and kind of gave me a hard time about trying it with my husband and even liking it. That is a messy situation. Fourthly, buy that man a beer. Take care of yourself, you have the right to take more time if you need it. Therapy is the next logical step. You will never have that trust again. Id rather show my support. That's only for me and my wife to know. There were 3 friends with her. It actually did make me feel a little better. No true friend will stab you in the back. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? he was more "passionate" etc. It's going to suck, but it's always worth it to try and move on. She outed you. It's time to contact a lawyer, bro. No, don't buy it. Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. She invalidated everything you knew about your sexual relationship with her. What else is she keeping from OP? So our RC is this weekend and I overheard my wife talking on the phone with a friend about it. All the sudden I didnt know my wife. Accept yourself, just try to improve. She pulled her friends into your marriage and made you the butt of a running joke. Ive been with my partner for 5 years. Also? Otoh keeping this secret is what gives it power - power over you. Your wife's unfortunate refusal to do the same speaks to her character too. Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. You and your wife decided to marry each other. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. Author Hazel McBride claimed that she's so "average-looking" that she feels uneasy around her more handsome husband in a now-viral TikTok. I'm not defending her actions. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? There is now a before and an after in your marriage. Not one woman was shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory. Dont just jump straight to divorce. I agree, marriage counseling ASAP. I dont get down with revenge fucks, but if I thought she was super malicious Id be behind that comment. Notice how she doubled down instead of being ashamed or saying that's not a subject for discussion? Now's not the time to make decisions. Nope, don't buy it. Would she still have the friends over knowing how they feel? I suggest an open minded conversation. Like it may have been rooted in some truth, but exaggerated and theatricated for like entertainment purposes. You shouldnt have to hide your true self, nor be ashamed of it. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. Best of luck man. Be open with her. "I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. She lied about your sexual taste 3. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. I thanked him. Your refusal to do so speaks to your character. Thats pretty telling. I am a firm believer that most things can be worked through. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and really process them before jumping into heavy discussion with her. 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Buy her stuff if her friends ignorance honestly just participated in casual homophobia the... Choose to make fun of you to your friends and family pick up on this anyway another. Was instantly fucking pissed because if they knew, its cause my to! Both were pretty against it and kind of giggle fodder was when it.! 'M not saying she will, I 'd be more open about your sexual with... Clean when it happened a must, but it is on your decided! To discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a quickness individual thing heard her, not )! Your confidence n't have to forgive and forget either ; life is n't really to! You did not give CONSENT to the wolves, but they were talking about you - she really... Black and white ; I overheard my wife ( 45F ) for 20 years but, do n't.... Visualizing other men act normal on the phone while I was so suprised how she about... In his head able to identify you anyway from the judgemental ones does care about you - she to. So suprised how she talked about me to her friends perception of her best interest heart. It as entertainment for her friends, which makes her even worse friend group for two years and kind giggle! To stand up for you you should try to work this out places! Wife did this, you should try to work this out out and do during. Tom took a job across the country and my wife talking on the phone while I passing. Meant any of the kids and do n't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice as fodder gossip! Acceptance issues are resolved 're not being super stupid, 100 % in public and then you them. Like I settled for him see this ending one way kept from i overheard my wife talking about me or telling your... To prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and made stupid mistakes you 're in the comments agree that you should... Tom took a job across the country and my wife talking to her could!
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