You say"On Dr. Rosenberg's stated preference not to hear what people think, Flack comments, 'I am not sure that is a recipe for nonviolence, when what so many desperately need is that their fully human minds be fairly heard.' In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. It's certainly true that when we are angry, we have less access to our "higher" thought centers. Your visitors are more loyal and not annoyed guessing characters or puzzles. Early on, I offer an overview of some aspects of NVC, then move on to more detailed responses to points raised in the originally essay. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. Price: US $24.84. Im feeling sad and worried. However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. This is a matter of sensing what is important to us in a judgment, and finding a new, more satisfying way of thinking about the issue which fully honors what is important to us, and which also honors the humanity of everyone involved. Our support of GRID Alternatives goes to training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career. With those who do know NVC, its a way of being willing to do more of the work ourselves, and put less of a burden on the other. (Disagreements happen at the level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs; not at the level of the needs themselves.) Cleantech Communication dedicates 1% of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. As far as moralistic judgments go I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [moralistic] judgments." What NVC recommends is that the speaker express how the other persons actions have contributed to them personally. Id love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. I can easily imagine a context in which the words you quote might have been said. You say "NVC permits each speaker to talk for an unlimited length of time before allowing the other person to respond. Actually, Dr. Rosenberg is famous for advising people to try to say whatever they want to say in 40 words or less (which is often unduly restrictive in practice). I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. Its tragic that a disturbing number of people get introduced to NVC in a way that leads them to imagine that referring to what we need as a tactic for trying to get ones way has something to do with, or could be in integrity with, the practice of NVC. Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior instead of character: As MFP put it, the essence of a you message is simply this: Im in pain and you did it to me. And theres usually this subtext: You were bad and wrong for doing it to me. When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. FAQs . In its earlier phases, it looked more like Clean Talk than it does now, and potentially included judgments, so long as they were fully owned." NVC has an implicit premise that our culture overly encourages us to use strategies that have an adversarial nature, and that we would often be more likely to enjoy what happens if we act from a state of mind informed by empathic insight and compassionwhile still fully honoring what is important to us. We also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing. Note to self: Is there something that could be added to my teaching to reduce the chances of untransformed anger being related to in an unskillful way? Over time, our energy may more naturally go the a way of relating that is not so driven by judgments. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. I believe that condemning is not a sufficiently deep or effective mechanism for producing the sort of change that I am longing for. Water resistant membrane panel operates with a light touch. I am grateful for the food for thought supplied by your naming these concerns. Yet, you are apparently disturbed that the word "bad" isn't explicitly used, while I perceive good reasons for avoiding that word. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. Is it that?". (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). autocad apple silicon; characteristics of an effective organizational structure; clean talk communication Perhaps something could be lost as well, if one isn't careful. I'm not aware that Rosenberg talked about this distinction, about different contexts, different types of Talk, but it's something he seemed to intuitively know. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. Join more than 724 000 websites trusting CleanTalk, Anti-Spam Features. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. Cleantech Communication is the preeminent consultancy for trailblazing cleantech businesses serious about. I have seen this particularly in the context of meetings. After a true transformation, the (moralistic) judgment is gone, replaced by a new way of experiencing the situation. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. . You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. Note to self: Think more about what practices related to sharing interpretations I think would complement NVC, and how these might relate to the core practice. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. You say "Dr. Rosenberg dislikes what he calls 'moralistic judgments' and so has not built into the NVC model a way to consistently and nonviolently communicate them, yet he occasionally adds them to his examples without explaining why he is doing so or how we might safely do so as well (examples on pp. I notice that tired doesnt have clear non -ed alternatives there is exhausted but that has an -ed, and sleepy doesnt mean the same thing. Convenient registration/commenting forms increase the number of registrations. They hear something much different than you intended. Your partner might say, Hmmm, thats an interesting way to do it, when they really mean, Youre doing it wrong. Or for example, you might say to your wife, And here you are finally, late as usual. Youre pretending to make a straightforward observation, but youre really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". You can check any IP or Email with the Blacklists Database, it allows you to block spammers or other malicious activity. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. Our goal is to enable our clients to realize a continuous return from their brand value in terms of visibility, brand loyalty, employee retention, revenue growth and company valuation. I think there is lots of room for more nuanced presentation of this idea, and more nuanced advice about how to apply it in communication. Parameters are written to the log which can be viewed in the Dashboard service. Most often, I dont find that requests lead to these sort of problems. The idea of making empathy guesses in the case where the other person says no is also an example of suggesting something for teaching purposes that wouldnt necessarily always be done that way in practice. Note to self: Ive seldom seen this taught formally. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. You say, "On one hand, this paraphrasing or guessing seems to be trying to compensate for the incapacity of the original exchange to express reasons, which are a type of judgment Its not about any incapacity to express reasons in the model, insofar as the other person is presumed, more often than not, to not know or care about the model. Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. His experience of anger is apparently quite different from mine; I find when I'm angry that I don't think very clearly, which tells me that I'm anywhere but in my head.". They accomplish this mission but at the expense of trust and intimacy. This is the "blame" that Rosenberg talks about. To keep things amicable, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. You also write "A request seems to me to imply that there are limited alternatives and in general to simplify and shorten the conversation rather than to open it up to whatever might help resolve the conflict. I find this point interesting. I think his talk of never hearing thoughts was meant as a wake-up-call to people "lost in their heads" who might believe they can rely purely on reason to navigate through conflict, without opening themselves to feelings, compassion, and empathic understanding. I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. That said, I see some advantages to the way Clean Talk seems to frame this. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. We are simply talking about the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request. I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought." The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication. But, I may or may not really express my guesses about the persons reasons out loud to them. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' Talking about needs which are understandable to and valued by all serves as the basis for talking about what matters to people, including what matters interpersonally (which traditionally was thought to require moralistic language to address it). Clean 21 Cleanse Program . Unfortunately, how to communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. Some such words have alternate forms, e.g., disappointment or disgust or shock; perhaps using these formswithout -edwould be more congruent with self-responsibility? But, if we're conscious of the risks of making up stories about things, we can also check our beliefs in other ways, by naming observations, or by being curious about the good reasons another person might have had for their choices (i.e., the needs behind their actions). Im guessing that in the first example, youve omitted a No response between the two blocks of text, and in the second example, a No response should replace the second block of text [Sure, you can come along] though this still leaves both examples reading a bit strangely, in terms of how well the final guess seems to match, or fails to match, the logic of the conversation.). NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. If you do not wish to use optional cookies, please read our, You can report a spam IP or email address. The inclusion of a "second-level want" in Clean Talk likely offers some, but not all, of the benefits of NVC's focus on needs. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. Every action anybody takes is understood as reflecting an attempt to meet needs (for surviving or thriving) that are deeply human, understandable to all, and, in themselves, noble / honorable / beautiful. Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. Communicate privately with other cleaners from around the world. I've learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don't hear what they think." 4100+ talks to stir your curiosity Find just the right one More Active filters: communication Remove Clear Sort by: 4:46 TED-Ed The best way to apologize (according to science) Posted Dec 2022 13:02 Josephine Eyre Are video calls the best we can do in the age of the metaverse? nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. It is the norm for some people to get their way (superficially) and for others to submit, or for overt or covert rebellion to happen. In this type of talk, I think Rosenberg had a sense that most people tend towards far more focus on head than on heart, to the detriment of their connection with others. You say, "If we're not willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way, why are we devoting time and effort to nonviolent communication?" You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that youve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?. You write "Imagine having a conversation with someone without making any judgments. An or else statement shouldnt be thrown around, and it shouldnt be punitive. This clarifies that we interested in understanding, not in blaming and doing battle. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.".
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